Our nest has emptied, at least for now, as I was musing last time. Our fledglings have fledged, and flown from the nest, one more tentatively than the other. As seasons of change go, this is the biggest to affect us in 21 years.
They will return, and there will be readjustments each time they do – we change and so will they and the relationship will require renegotiating. There will be joy and laughter, and also tears and frustration.
Normal life really.
It is a whole new thing learning to be a parent of an adult child, and we are so grateful to friends who have modelled this well to us.
So much learning! Being a parent is a job for life, and on-the-cusp-of-adulthood kids need their parents too.
This is a season of major transition for us. But our newly empty nest is simply one variation of many seasons of change, and change happens to everyone.
What am I learning that might be applicable to any season of change?
Emotions are natural
Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. It is what we do with the emotions that can be problematic or cause us difficulty. Telling ourselves what we should be feeling is rarely helpful. Emotions are valid and real and we suppress them at our peril. Choosing to stop, notice and pay attention to how we feel and accept that feeling is an important step. As we learn to notice and identify how we feel, we are then in a better place to choose a response to that feeling (more on that here).
What do I need? What would help here? What is a healthy and safe expression of this feeling?
Give yourself space and time
Major change often involves a loss – a child leaving home, bereavement, change of job or house, loss of a friendship, financial loss or change to our health. There will be a whole range of emotions that accompany that change, including sadness, grief, anxiety, fear, emptiness, discouragement. Keeping these feelings at bay whilst continuing on with the normal day to day functioning of life can be exhausting.
Where do I need to give myself extra grace? What kind of rest do I need to bring some restoration? What can I say no to just now to reduce potential overwhelm?
Recognise what is and is not yours to do
As a parent, this one is really hard. If things are not going quite so well for the fledgling who is now living independently, the natural tendency is to swoop in and fix. Oh so much harder to listen, be supportive, but then allow them to learn how to take the steps required to fix it for themselves.
Elder Nearest-and-Dearest left home in Autumn 2020.
Hmmm.
Straight into halls in the middle of the pandemic. Her experience was largely positive, thanks to great flatmates. But MB did have to do the protective dad thing on one occasion. She was isolating in her room, suffering nasty Covid symptoms, and with a broken heater, in October on the East coast of Scotland. Freezing cold.
Horrible.
Her attempt to contact maintenance to fix said heater had thus far failed.
MB pulled out the dad card, and spoke sternly to Someone Somewhere and it was fixed.
On that occasion, that task was definitely his to do. But often times, in seasons of change, we want to fix and sort or take charge or do anything that allows us to feel even a tiny bit in control and better about the situation. Because letting go is all about not being in control but trusting the person or the process.
What does this person most need from me? What is within my control? What is not in my control that I need to let go of?
Have some strategies up your sleeve
It can help to identify tools and strategies for wobbly days. Friends that you feel safe with and with whom you can run the gauntlet of emotions you are experiencing. Activites that distract or calm or occupy or bring some endorphins. Exercise, getting outside, other places to go that bring perspective and a sense of the wider world going on as normal. These can all help. Having some of these pre-thought out and prepared helps if we feel on the edge of tipping into a chasm.
Celebrate the good stuff.
Gratitude is a great perspective shifter. I have written about this often – more here and here. We lift our eyes from only being able to see what we have lost or what is hard, and choose instead to see what is good, what has gone well and what we are thankful for. Chances are, this season will pass and we will get out the other end to a new way of being. We are not there yet – more musing to come I feel.
But accepting what is, now, today, and being ok with how I feel about that today, is an important part of accepting this season of change.