What I can control and what I can’t

How much time do you spend worrying about that which is beyond your control?

I was musing last time about this quote from Arthur Somers Roche (1883-1935):

Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”

We all worry. It is a natural part of life and human nature. And let’s be honest, there is a lot in life that can cause us to worry. But what I am coming to realise is that we have more agency over our thoughts than perhaps we first realise.

Only I have the power over what is going on inside my head.

External things happen, and it may be that I believe that those external things are the source of my worry. But it is I and I alone who chooses my response to those things. 

I  might choose worry as a response. 

Or equally, I can learn – with practice and courage and repetition – to choose a different response. 

Consider this image:

This was first shared by a friend on social media, with thanks to @agrassoblog for the image.

This image is a very helpful visual to remind us of what I can control and what I cannot. 

When we choose to focus on, fret over and worry about that which is outwith our control, we easily get caught up in that thin trickle of fear. It does not mean that those things are not real and very present. However, worrying about them achieves nothing, and robs us of energy, sleep and joy. 

It may be that the situation that is causing us to worry is very real and genuine – an ill family member or friend; a financial situation or fear about a job; a teenage child travelling home late across a foreign city. 

There are real risks, and it is wise to be aware. 

However. 

When awareness draws us into worry that becomes cyclical and drains all other thoughts down that deep channel, we can choose to take remedial action. The last thing that the person we are worrying about needs is for us to become ill ourselves with the stress of worry. 

We can choose instead to focus on what which IS within our control.

This includes our thoughts of course, and our behaviour and our actions. 

If negativity is robbing us of joy and causing us to get stuck in worry, gratitude is a great tool to reset and refocus the direction our thoughts are taking us. 

Perhaps we are worrying about an exam, or an interview. We have no control over the questions asked, but do have control over how well we prepare – studying, background preparation, eating well, good sleep habits, and setting ourselves up as best we can to succeed.  

It might be that we are worrying about something big and genuine. The situation is outwith our control, but is also not going to go away. 

Distraction techniques can help here – phone a friend, get some exercise, lose yourself in a good book, watch a funny film, do some radically cleaning (hmmm, that would be me!) 

It can also help to focus on what we know to be true, rather than the speculation and fear about what might happen in the future.

For example, when HAVE we managed to get through a similar situation successfully in the past? What did we do then? Where have we shown resilience in times of difficulties in the past and what skills do we have as a result that we can call on now?

What positive life experiences can we revisit that build our confidence and remind us of who we ARE and what we CAN do? This helps us see what is possible, rather than getting stuck in negativity thinking about what we fear we might not be able to do.

It might be as simple as redirecting that energy that we channel into worry into something more life giving instead – activities that strengthen us in body, mind and soul. 

Deconstruct the fear

– rather than deny it or suppress it (which tends to give it more power), acknowledge that it is real. And then take it to bits and look at each section to see it for what it is. Talk about it too, that tends to immediately reduce the size and destructive power of the fear. 

There are many ways that we can harness the power of our amazing minds for good. I can notice what direction my thoughts are taking me in first. And then I can choose to focus on what I CAN control.