What is the cost of saying yes, both tangible and intangible?
In our voyage through the tricky waters of boundaries, saying yes to requests from others or to situations that arise when we actually would prefer to say no, is possibly one of the most difficult boundaries to maintain.
If I say ‘yes’ to this, what am I saying ‘no’ to?
This is a question I ask often in my work as a Life Coach. Because every ‘yes’ comes at a cost. That sounds super cheesy, but it is true. The reality is that the cost of saying yes can be quite high. Every yes carries with it a cost in terms of our energy, time and resources. This can lead us to compromise in other areas of life, and can increase the stress that we – possibly unwittingly and subconsciously – put on ourselves.
We think that we CAN do it all.
One of the root problems here is that we often seek to delude ourselves that we can say ‘yes’ to this AND keep going with everything else.
We can convince ourselves that…
- we are indispensable
- we do have time
- the costs are worth it
- no one else will suffer as a consequence.
I am here to tell you from hard-earned experience that none of these are true. You are precious, unique, wonderful individual. AND you are not indispensable.
Sorry.
More on the implications of that in a minute. Every time we respond to something – be it with a yes or a no – we make a choice. We live with the consequences of our choices all the time. Even not making a choice is in effect a choice – we have much more responsibility and choice than we often think, as we can always choose how to respond. More on that here.
What is the impact therefore of the choice you make on all concerned? Or in other words,
What is the cost of saying yes?
This ties back to our values, self care and self worth. When we better respect the boundaries we place round our energy and emotional health, we are better placed to care for ourselves and therefore have energy to invest in and care for other people and situations.
As ever, there are no easy or straightforward answers here, and each situation warrants its own reflection. As a self employed person with control over my time, there are many things that I could be doing. Lots that perhaps I ought to be doing. And many indeed that are very attractive and I would like to be doing, at the top of that list being people I would like to see, get to know and spend time with.
No one is telling me how to use my time, nor keeping tabs on what I do or on how productive I am. And it is all too easy for me to get caught up in the latest social trend, marketing technique and put pressure on myself to be performing in my business at a certain level.
But says who? Ultimately, what is most important to me about my business and how I work? Only I can answer these questions. It can be easy to say yes to something that in the end depletes my resources such that other areas of life and relationships suffer.
Questions that can help.
When it comes to identifying the cost of saying yes, it helps to ask ourselves questions. And to be really honest and reflective as we answer those questions:
- What are the benefits of both saying yes or no, and to whom?
- What is fair here – both to me and to the other person? What are their expectations of me, and what are those of myself?
- Is this a commitment I have chosen, or am I reacting to an expectation being put on me?
- If I say ‘no’, is there another solution here that is win-win?
- What are the realistic time and energy implications of me saying yes?
- Is this mine to do? Do I have to do it now? At all?
It all boils down to many of the same root issues – having a clear focus on what I am protecting, and what is most important to me. We are not indispensable – perhaps this is for someone else to do. And we do not have limitless resources.
So when you say ‘yes’ to someone or something this week, take a few seconds to consider what you are saying ‘no’ to. What is the cost of saying yes?