Do you suffer from ‘hardening of the oughteries’?

Now there is a phrase that made me stop and do a mental double-take: ‘hardening of the oughteries‘.

I first heard the term when it was used by a client in relation to herself.

We are familiar with what happens in our blood vessels when they fur up from a poor diet, and we end up with hardening of the arteries.

The same thing can happen in our soul.

I have not dug up the origins of the phrase, although a very brief online search attributes it to the late Dr Frank Lake, in his book Clinical Theology. And he came up with that phrase over 60 years ago – it seems human nature rarely changes despite technological advancement.

And as we continue to dip our toes into the enormous, deep and stormy water that is the subject of boundaries, this is directly relevant. Why?

We say yes because we feel we ought to.

We often break our own boundaries by saying ‘yes’ to someone or something because we feel we ought to.

Listen to the ‘oughts’ in your own conversation for a few days and pay heed.

When do you find yourself saying, “I ought to say yes because…

• I am or I want to be seen as an obedient/good/helpful/kind/hardworking/…../person
• I don’t want to let the other person down
• I don’t want to disappoint or be seen as a disappointment
• I want to be needed and valued
• I want to prove myself

There is no judgement here. 

Now none of these reasons are bad in themselves – integrity, reliability, hard work, generosity and self worth are very important in well functioning relationships. But not at the cost of feeling run into the ground, and being at the beck and call of everyone else, which is the risk of always responding to the ‘oughteries’.

As ever, self awareness is crucial – what is under the surface of your reaction, and why. What is your motive, and what is most important here? 

Ask yourself questions.

An important part of self-awareness is learning to ask ourselves questions. This brings several advantages. It allows us space to step back for a minute and look more objectively at what we are doing and why. And it can buy us a little time, before we perhaps give a knee-jerk ‘yes’ reaction to something that we might then regret. 

So, the next time you hear the word ‘ought’ cropping up in your head in response to a request, stop and take a minute with these questions:

…Am I ignoring my own needs because of negative tapes that have stuck to me from the past?

   …What do I really want in this situation?

      …What am I trying to prove, and to whom?

         …If nobody were disappointed or let down, would I prefer to say yes or no?

            …Would I be comfortable asking the same question of someone else?

               …Is this a precedent I want to set, and if not, where would I draw the line? ie: if I go down this route, how do I subsequently say no to similar requests?

Unlearning hardening of the oughteries.

None of this is easy, and this level of self awareness takes time and energy.

Gaining a stronger sense of self and understanding your current life priorities is important. This particular life season brings its own levels of challenge, need and demands. It helps when we can be honest with ourselves about our capacity. This will come up again in future musings.

Knowing your values and making choices in accordance with them. Respecting our own boundaries and those of others – all of this will go some way to preventing ‘hardening of the oughteries’.

Learning how to say ‘no’ well – that is where we will go next time.