How do you communicate your emotional needs?

How well defined or communicated are your own emotional needs in your closest relationships?

Oo-ohhh – can open, worms everywhere…(to quote a flamboyant old friend!).

These past few musings have seen us exploring the world of boundaries: what they are and why we need them, understanding our own limits, and what gets in the way of us sticking to them.

Understanding our own boundaries is one thing.

How you communicate your emotional needs is another.

You may be starting to understand and create or strengthen your own boundaries, but do those around you understand what they are, and why?

How does this apply to those you live with, work with, and socialise with?

We accept that having boundaries is healthy and necessary; you are protecting what you know ie:

who you are, your values, personality, resources and current capacity.

This is about self worth and self acceptance, and understanding your limits. But if those around you don’t know or understand this, it is harder for them to respect your boundaries and the unique way you are wired. It is harder to build trust and deeper connection without that clear communication.

We are all different. But we don’t always see or accept this.

My beloved (MB as he is known here) is as different from me as it is possible to be. He has also understood me better and for much longer than I have understood myself.

In years gone by, especially when our kids were younger and still living at home, I was less aware of my own needs and limits and certainly less good at communicating them with him.

When I am very stressed and overstretched, and feel out of control with life (usually because I have ignored my own limits) I have a fairly well identified way of expending my pent up frustration without exploding.

I tidy the house like some kind of Tasmanian devil.

Nothing is safe.  When the children were little, he would warn them to stay out of the way for fear of being vacuumed or put in a bin bag.

The first time I did this in full charging bull mode, he quietly let me finish, then gently put his hands on my shoulders, looked into my eyes and asked;

Do you feel better now?”

I was so cross – but only because he had me absolutely sussed.

Learning to communicate.

We have learned from this and now communicate our quirks, needs and week’s schedule in advance. He needs time to recharge on his own at the end of a busy, people-filled working day, as he is a natural introvert.  Along with this, small chunks of solo self care activities throughout the week top up his energy levels and enable him to function better as dad, husband, friend, colleague.

He knows I need at least one life giving conversation with a friend a week, some time on my own, some degree of order in the house, and time to sit and talk with him so we properly connect.

Just like values can differ, when we understand that we all have differing personalities and energy levels we are able to live with much more grace, curiosity and objectivity towards each other. We can see that the other person is not necessarily doing what they are doing to deliberately wind us up, but simply because they operate in very different ways.

An outgoing extrovert with big picture thinking will need very different things to recharge their batteries than a sensitive introvert who values order and completion.

There is no right or wrong with any of this.

But clear communication of our needs is key.

MB and I are learning to communicate what we need, and respect each other’s differences and limits. That enables us to make time and space to prioritise what we both need. We have much clearer boundaries on what we say yes and no to because we understand our limits.

What do you know of the needs of those around you? How are they wired, compared to you? Those that you live, socialise and work with?

And how can you communicate your emotional needs to them, and learn to listen to theirs? More to explore here next time.