How well do you know your own needs? And how easy do you find it to communicate them with your Nearest-and-Dearest? More on that here. What is yours to do and what is for the other person?
This is about being able to say, calmly, clearly and kindly:
This is who I am, this is what is important to me, this is what I need, and these are my current limits.”
This is not about us becoming islands, self-contained and so boundaried that we are unreachable and lacking in generosity or compassion. But it is about knowing that none of us are mind readers. And unless we are able to communicate how we are and what we need with those closest to us, we are likely to run into trouble.
When we have gone beyond the end of our limits – mental, emotional, physical – and have nothing left, it is more often those closest to us that experience the brunt of our stress. The tricky thing here is that if we have not communicated how we are, and that we are running on empty, how are they to know?
What is mine to do.
What IS ours to do is to take time to notice – without judgement – how we are, what we feel and what we need before we spiral down into a jelly stressed heap on the floor. It is also for us to take responsibility for setting healthy boundaries that prevent us overstepping our limits and burning ourselves out.
Ours is the work to understand what our limits are, and what it is that refills and restores our energy levels. And is most definitely the work for me to do to communicate that with those I am closest to.
When was the last time you noticed discomfort or resentment creeping into your reactions to an interaction with someone?
What was going on below the surface?
Many possible reasons for this exist. But one of them might be that there is an assumption on your part that the other person knows how you are feeling and should have responded accordingly.
Ouch.
Managing our own emotions is also our work to do. It is for us to learn to notice how we feel, and to give safe expression to those feelings to prevent them building up unhealthily inside us waiting to errupt at an inopportune moment. This lack of emotional regulation, when coupled with unspoken assumptions and expectations of the other, is a recipe for communication disaster.
Is this easy to do? No. Can it be learned – absolutely. More here.
Communication works both ways.
Assumptions and expectiations are killers of communication in relationships. When I assume that you know how I am feeling but get annoyed when you are not sensitive to my needs…why is that fair on you?
And when you assume that I have capacity to do whatever it is that you have agreed on our behalf without checking first, are you surprised that resentment is bubbling under the surface of my demeanor all day?
What is mine to do is to know myself, and to communicate clearly.
And what is also mine to do is to clarify with you before I get drawn into a negative spiral, just so that we are both on the same page:
What is actually being asked/said? Are there unspoken assumptions and expectiations that need to be exposed?
What is the motivation?
When we are tempted to fix or step in without being asked or jump to conclusions or succumb to stereotypes, taking that short pause to check on our motivation can be really helpful. We can pause and ask, do I need clarification here of what is actually going on? What is my responsibility here and what is not? What is and is not within my control?
And one of the most useful questions of all:
What would the best outcome be here?
That simple question shifts the issue from potentially being too emotional, to a more objective focus. Clarity in communication helps ensure there are no assumptions being made. And accepting what is and is not ours to do helps to keep our own boundaries and respect those of others.
Understand and respect other people’s boundaries, and they are more likely to respect yours. Respect their boundaries without judgement and without projecting your own values or ideals on to them. Healthy boundaries create an environment of understanding, mutual support and respect – give and take. When we have confidence in our own boundaries, we are more free to be relaxed with them in certain circumstances.
Believe in and respect yourself – who you are, what matters and what your limits are. Communicate that with those closest to you, and the risk of wrong expectations is reduced.
Each of us is unique, and fearfully and wonderfully made, to quote the Psalmist.
What is mine to do is to know and communicate my emotional needs to those I am closest to. And it is for me to listen to them communicate what they need. In so doing, we together do the work of creating space for deeper connection and mutual value and respect.