When you look at someone for the first time, what do you see? And to what extent is what you see affected by learned stereotypes and self-created filters?
We are all conditioned by our experiences of life, our expectations, and our assumptions. These create layers and layers, like different filters laid over a picture and can quickly cloud our judgment. Our assessment of someone we meet can be affected by deeply ingrained but ludicrous generalisations and stereotypes –
- blondes are ditzy
- folk wearing glasses are geeky nerds
- all Germans are efficient
- older people can’t use technology
- all workmen take milk and two sugars in their tea
There are two particularly frightening things about this. Firstly, how instantaneous our judgments are. And secondly, how subconscious.
Because having assessed and categorised the person in front of us, what we then tend to do is expect them to fit within our pre-existing expectations of their behaviour. Again, often subconsciously. This can impact how we speak to them, but more importantly, how we listen.
If we are expecting them to think and behave in a certain pre-determined way, it can then be much harder to be open-minded and objective about the conversation. Our ability to be surprised, to learn, to have our minds expanded can be sadly negatively impacted and diminished.
We judge them and in so doing, we miss out on who they really are.
Many years back, in my previous role as a physiotherapist (physical therapist), I worked with a chap who had suddenly and traumatically lost his leg. Whilst awaiting his artificial limb, he went out of hospital on a day pass to attend a social event, in his wheelchair. He worked as a university lecturer, and was used to a certain level of academic and educated conversation in keeping with his position (without any level of arrogance). I warned him that people would speak to him differently, simply because he was in a wheelchair. He viewed my opinion with polite skepticism; these were people who knew him after all, and the rest of him was in full, normal working order.
On his return however he was subdued and quite shaken, observing that in general he had been talked down to, over, or at more loudly than was required, simply because of his new status. He was left feeling diminished, patronised, ignorant, and very sobered by the experience.
Years and years later, I met him and he related this incident, and how much my observations (from professional experience not my own wisdom) had impacted him.
Stereotypes cause us to miss the real depth and beauty in others, can cause us to have judgement cataracts.
Until we see the world through the eyes of one who does not have such filters:
A child.
Children are rarely encumbered by the stereotypes that keep us trapped and siloed. They are much less likely to notice differences that hold us adults back or cause us to judge, simply because they do not matter. I wee social media reel I saw recently highlighted just that: two friends, one in a wheelchair and one not, who cited the main difference between them being that one of them liked tomato sauce and the other didn’t.
They simply didn’t see their physical difference because to them, they were of no relevance.
My former wheelchair using patient would have loved that.
What can we learn from this?
We can choose to listen to someone with an open mind, seeking to understand them and where they are coming from. To see who they are and what they can do, rather than only seeing their limitations or them as a stereotype. To expect the best and the most of people. To believe in who they are at their best, even as we would want them to believe in us.
This week, when you find yourself making snap assessments and judgments of people based on stereotypes, catch yourself on and remember the wisdom of these kids.