On ending well

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

If you are of a certain age, chances are that that REM song is now running around in your head like the annoying wee ear worm it will turn out to be…

Sorry about that. 

And it’s not the end of the world you’ll be pleased to know. 

I don’t know what is going on in your house and life this month, but in this house it is most certainly the end of a significant era.

School world is coming to an end. 

(That is probably a large shopping emporium selling overpriced branded school merch….*shudders).

And from the very small and insignificant perspective of this household, that does feel enormous. 

The rhythms, patterns, structure and hallmarks of our lives for the past 16 years have already stopped. And by this time next month, we will be completely detached, disentangled and possibly a bit delirious. School uniform will be disposed of, shirts will be signed, farewells said.

This is a normal and very common occurrence.

You have a child, that child receives a formal school education (hopefully, although we should not take that for granted) and then moves on from school. 

I am not the first person to experience the end of school. And it is easy to dismiss the enormity of it as simply being a normal part of life that almost every parent goes through. 

And yet, ending well is something that requires our attention.

My own emotions in this, and the change to my world are just that – mine. And the fact that almost every parent experiences the same thing in no way diminishes the change that is happening in this house. 

As always, awareness is key to ending well and that usually starts with questions:

What am I disengaging from?

A way of life that has dictated to us how we live now stops, and that is quite something to disengage from. Routines, thought patterns, conversations, meetings, habits, expectations to do with school – all this is what I am disengaging from. And for me, top of the list is people. I have got to know a number of people in the school community well, and my contact with them will inevitably reduce or disappear completely. 

What requires dismantling?

It then follows that I need to dismantle the normal structures that school life dictated – daily, weekly, termly patterns of how we use our time and what requires our attention now radically shift. 

And on a deeper level, this requires some disidentification.

I am no longer a parent of a school pupil. That label was often a handle into conversation, a common ground that other parents of school age kids could connect with.

But I can no longer identify myself thus. How does that change how I see myself? Who does that make me?

And as we head inexorably into the next season, this requires further letting-go and disidentification. Because come September, I will no longer have kids living at home as younger Nearest-and-Dearest heads off to university.

Ending well in this approaching season is on a different level. 

More on that in the autumn.

I am reminded as we fill up our jar of good things that there is so much we are grateful for in this. And that is important, because none of what I have outlined about is necessarily either good or bad. But it is important to notice and observe what is. 

And simply sit with it. 

William Bridges, in his book Transitions says this:

It isn’t the changes themselves that people resist, it’s the transition…..During transition endings come first. Loss is the first act of a process, not the last act of a situation.”

I find this so helpful. Transition is the messy bit in the middle, that we generally resist because it is uncomfortable and we often feel out of control. We are moving on from what is familiar (and therefore can feel safe even if we don’t like it) to unknowns and that can be associated with fear, demotivation, loss of confidence.

But when we stop and see this is a natural process and one in which growth occurs when we stop and notice, then it stops being something to fear. 

 I don’t know what is coming next, but I do know ending well is about noticing. 

I am noticing what I am losing and how to manage these losses – what is over and I am leaving behind, and who I am as I transition into the middle bit. This is an important part of the process and not to be resisted. Acknowledging the emotions involved without judgement will help ensure a smoother transition with fewer road blocks and less internal resistance.

When you consider ending well, what does that mean for you? What do you need to stop and notice?