Over these past weeks, I have been musing here on the impact of Covid burnout. This has included considering the effects of burnout on our physical bodies, what negativity and numbing do to us and how to take remedial action. What rest means to you and how to engage in rest that is actually – well, restful – has also featured.
And I have challenged all of us to live with less dependence on our tech, especially our phones.
This all involves knowing how to say no.
In all of this, one clear question shouts above the others – how do we know what our priorities are? Because it is all very well to identify that we need to make some different choices in the face of potentially burning out because we are too busy, but how to make those choices? How do we know what to say no to, and who do we do it?
There are some ideas here about how we decide what is most important to us.
But sometimes it helps to have a few pointers as to when and how to say no to things.
You know the situation. You have been involved with something for ages, and it has now become something of a mill stone round your neck. It is not that whatever-it-is is not worthy and important. But your circumstances have changed or you have changed and for you, it is no longer the right use of your time.
I was discussing exactly this with a client of late. This client had agreed to a voluntary role that, when asked to do so a while back, came with a small level of commitment. That commitment rapidly grew arms and legs and turned into a monster in terms of the time and energy it consumed. This did not make it wrong or bad. But for this client, had they been asked to get involved in the role at the time of their conversation with me, it would have been a definite no as they identified that they did not have that level of time and energy to commit.
Sound familiar at all?
Learning to say no well.
It is important for our well-being and sanity that we learn to say no, and to do it well. We have all experience of situations where we have said yes to please the other person, or we feel subtley manipulated into saying yes. Or perhaps we tell a little white lie to avoid giving the honest answer. But not giving a clear answer is confusing for the other person who is not being helped by you to understand what you are really feeling and needing in this situation.
But is is about understanding our own limits and how to ensure that we are living with enough margin to bring the best of us to all that we have committed to do.
Learning to say no well is about being true to ourselves but also respecting the other person.
Have an honest look at your circumstances and what you really feel and need. See if any of these situations ring true:
…life has changed and I no longer have the capacity for this because of other commitments
…this has now run it’s course and it is the right time to stop
…it is now the right time to pass this on to someone else
…I now need to make space and time for something else in this new season
…I would be saying yes only to please the other person or to spare their feelings or because I feel obliged
…I really want to say no
There is a helpful chapter on choosing our ‘yes’es in the book Fierce, Free and Full of Fire by Jen Hatmaker – a book that does indeed read as it’s title suggests so is not necessarily for the faint hearted…
Knowing when and how to say no well takes practice!
These pointers may help –
- identify where you are taking on responsibilities that are not your own, ie for what others in the situation might be feeling
- consider the cost of saying yes, versus the temporary discomfort of saying no – what is the best outcome here?
- consider the cost of not being clear, and what you gain by giving a clear, honest no instead
- say no kindly and with gratitude for the invitation/offer
- give a clear and honest but short explanation – you do not necessarily have to justify or explain yourself, depending on to whom you are speaking
- where practical, offer an alternative
- accept that you will likely feel nervous but practice before hand and stick to your script
- practice and practice some more!
This takes time and practice and self reflection. Notice where you have said a clear no, and what the outcome of that was. This is helpful in learning how to say no well in the future.