How is your heart doing this week?
That might be an awfully fluffy way to start but bear with me.
Perhaps you have not had time to stop and consider how your heart is, there is far too much to do and life is too busy.
And therein lies my point.
This week, more than ever, I am aware of the enormity of transitions facing a number of folk I know. Lots of friends have children who are starting Primary One, or moving from Primary school to Secondary. And a few whose kids are heading off into the great unknown of college and university. I wrote last year about the impact of that emotional juggernaught in this house of elder child leaving home and how to go through sadness well.
My Facebook feed has been filled with photos of littlies in sparkling-new-and-far-too-big uniforms, or of reluctant teenagers having the obligatory photo of the first day of secondary school taken.
It seems to me that we are good at acknowledging transitions for the child.
But what about the impact of those transitions on you as mum or dad?
How often do we give ourselves time – and permission – to reflect on the enormity of what WE have achieved to get them to that day in the first place?
In this house, there are two years left of school term dominating everything. We have been on the school conveyor belt for 14 years. Nearly quarter of my lifetime. I know many friends for whom the school connection has been much longer.
Just stop with me for a minute and think about all that that has entailed.
Growing a tiny human and birthing them. Caring for ALL their needs endlessly, seflessly, lovingly, sometimes-patiently. Helping them learn to walk, run, tie shoe laces, eat with a fork, dress themselves. The gut-wrenching leaving of them at nursery that first time. Chicken pox and snotty colds and trips to A and E with all manor of scrapes and broken bits.
The uniforms bought, washed, mended, rescued out of lost property. The lunches made and snacks provided. The hours of homework, helping them grow from not being able to read at all to doing complex History or English essays. Numerous school projects, from 3D cardboard-and-straw solar systems to Advanced Higher Art portfolios (moral support provided there rather than practical help!). Innumerable forms filled in, meetings attended, parents evenings survived. School concerts, sports events, standing around for hours in the freezing cold on the side of the pitch or in the park. Taxi services and endless social and practical arrangements. Money handed out in a seemingly limitless fashion.
And all this before we get to the emotional contribution – the late night tear-stained or random discussions, battles and tears and snotters, the “It’s not fair, EVERYONE else is/has/does…” negotiations, the hormones, the broken hearts and the fallings-out-with-best-friends. The anxiety, bullying, the loneliness, the no-one-is-like-me agonies.
If you are a mum reading this, then the chances are – statistically – that you are also carrying the load of household admin and wearing multiple hats all at once. You may additionally be working in a paid capapcity outwith the home.
As I reflect on all this, and my own situation, my heart for you is to shout loudly and clearly:
Look at all that you have achieved. You are doing an amazing job.
And I would love to encourage you to take a little time this week to stop, acknowledge and celebrate all that YOU have done to prepare your child for the stage they are at now.
Take time to feel all the feelings that you are feeling.
Take time to acknowledge the impact of these transitions on you and your heart.
So often we don’t take time to do this – there is too much to do. But there will always be chores and work and lists and there will not always be these precious moments. It is such a cliche that life goes by so fast, but it is true.
If your child is going through a transition this term, think about what that means for you.
Rob Parsons from Care for the Family often says that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. So whatever stage they are at, you will be feeling a huge range of emotions – pride, fear, anxiety, excitement, relief, loss, anticipation. All of those feelings and many more are ok. And more than that, it is important to take time to acknowledge and sit with them before life rushes past.
Let me encourage you this week then to sit quietly when you get a chance and perhaps consider some of these questions:
What have you achieved with your child to get them to this stage? What does it mean to celebrate that?
How are you different now because you have been your child’s parent for these years?
How have you helped and equipped your child to get them to this day?
What memories of the previous season are precious to you and how can you keep hold of those?
What do you need to grieve and let go of as your child moves into this next season?
What are you learning about yourself and what you need in this season?
So often – especially as women – our self talk is negative and critical. Where we have got it wrong, or not done enough, or compared ourselves with others. We would never talk to a close friend like this so I encourage you this week to talk to yourself kindly. Look at who you ARE and all that you HAVE achieved, especially if you have kids.
Feel all the feelings that you are feeling in these transitions and celebrate getting to this day.
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