Last week I wrote about the importance of taking time to feel all the feelings associated with the transitions that the children in our lives go through. These musings seem to have struck a real chord with many.
The transition is important for your child, but it is also an important marker of what YOU have achieved in helping your child arrive at this day. You are doing an amazing job.
Why is it important to feel all the feelings?
Feelings come and go, and vary from day to day. Of course, if you are a woman reading this, you will be aware of the hormonal element to our feelings. It does help to note the power of our hormones over our feelings and to acknowledge that a really crappy, teary day may be nothing to do with your actual life but simply secondary to hormone levels changing.
In my work with clients, I often say that our feelings are entirely unreliable for decision making and for pointing us towards what is true. We can feel something very deeply but if those feelings are based on a lie about ourselves rather than objective truth, they will form a very unstable base for the choices and decisions we make.
However, feelings serve as important indicators of what is going on under the surface.
Our feelings serve as little prophets of something deeper.
When we take time to stop, notice and ask ourselves what we are feeling, we can also learn to then ask what those feelings are pointing to. I have written here about the acronym HALT, used by addiction agencies to serve as a check on minds before making a rash or impulsive decision.
There are so many feelings that we experience in the course of a day. Sometimes it can be hard to name them. There are great tools to help with this, such as this Feelings Circle.
And as we consider these transitions, there can be sadness and excitement and anxiety and anticipation all at once. Sadness at the loss of the little child that has gone before that we will never get back and anticipation at the new opportunities, friendships and challenges that lie ahead.
We find it all too easy to squash those feelings down and pay no heed to them. We fear we are not versed in identifying what they are, or we feel we have no time, or we are afraid of what depths we might discover if we do open up that box.
But we squash and ignore those feelings at our peril. Emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. All are important and all have value. We ignore them, and they will leak out anyway – either explosively in a way that feels beyond our control, or in more insidious ways that are equally detrimental to those around us and to ourselves.
How do these feelings help us in considering what we need?
First step is to stop and notice that you are feeling something. Take time to feel all the feelings you are feeling.
Sit with the emotions for a while until you can name them. Then ask yourself:
- What do I need?
- What am I learning from this – about myself, others, the situation?
- What information do I gain here and how do I respond to this information effectively?
It might be you are feeling overwhelmed, and there is too much in your head. What you need to do is a brain dump and get it all out and written down somehow so you can see it and begin to make a plan.
Perhaps you are feeling anxious about the changes ahead as you move through a transition with your child. You recognise that you have less control now over them, as you move from authority over them to influence. Where do you need to step back and let them try (and probably fail, and then hopefully learn)? What does it mean for you to let them be more independent? What do they want and need, and what do you? This is never easy, so finding someone who is further down the process for wise counsel helps bring relief.
Maybe the sadness is the dominant feeling, and you recognise that you need time to grieve for what has gone before – the little person who has grown up into a teenager starting secondary school and their childish behaviours and habits that are now lost. Take time to write it out or take it through with someone, look at old photos, indulge in a spot nostalgia, have a good cry. But also take time to celebrate what you have achieved in the previous season and what you have learned about yourself that you are taking into this one.
And anticipation and excitement point to changes ahead. What does this season mean for you, your priorities and how you use your time? Where does your own self care fit in? What needs to be done differently in this new season? And what important family habits and traditions do you keep, recognising their central role as anchor points of safety and stability that teenagers need?
We too easily move quickly through life and avoid, ignore or stuff our feelings. But taking time to feel all the feelings is an important way to learn, grow and cherish the day that is today.