What are you struggling to let go of control of this week?
And what is the impact of that – on your physical, mental and emotional well being?
It seems to me that control has been a feature of a number of conversations recently, and indeed of my own musings.
I have been talking here these last couple of weeks about transitions, and especially those of our children. How do we navigate them well? Part of that answer is to let go of control.
There is a great parenting book that I found very helpful by called Teenagers by Ann Benton. In it she talks about moving from having authority over our children to having influence over them as they grow older.
Moving from authority to influence.
This is such a wise and helpful phrase for so many areas of our lives where we seek to hold onto control.
Let go of control over our growing children.
As our children get older, we learn to step back from direct input into their lives and seek more of an advisory role. We hope that we have laid solid foundations of stability, connection and love so that as they stretch their wings and learn to fly, when they inevitably fall they will be secure enough to limp back to us with bruised and battered wings for help and wise counsel.
But if we continue to want to control their lives and have too much input on what they do, how they use their time and money, who their friends are etc we risk losing them altogether. A recent conversation reminded me that parenting children who are proper grown up adults is not necessarily any easier; the issues they face simply get bigger and we continue to carry that heart-heavy concern for them. In learning to not step in and take over or fix or control, we are seeking to be there for them when they need us but without overpowering them.
These are hard, long lessons to learn. I am aware that having released one Nearest-and-Dearest into the Great World Out There, I am only at the start of those learnings.
Let go of control over our relationships with others.
This is another huge area where seeking to have influence rather than authority is key. Consider a working relationship with your team or colleagues where change is imminent. The team matters to you and your role within it is important. It can be too easy to want to control the outcome of change and seek to engineer things to be the way you want them to be. But having influence rather than authority is about trusting the team members to do what they do well, to collaborate and communicate and to exemplify the values that you have sought to instil in that team.
Of course, this applies to all sorts of relationships, not just within work. How often have we believed that our situation would be better if the other person changed their behaviour or did what we wanted them to do?
But life does not work like that. Be it with our children, our partners, our friends, our colleagues, the more we seek to try and control, the further we will push them away.
Instead it helps to recognise where and over what we have responsibility.
We cannot make choices for them. We cannot control their behaviour. We can seek to influence by being true to ourselves and displaying the kinds of values-based choices that have integrity for us.
This week, when you are aware of wanting to control the outcome in a situation or control a person, stop and ask yourself –
What do I have responsibility for here?”
You have responsibility for your own thoughts, words, actions and choices. You also can control these. More on your secret super power – choice – here.
But you ultimately do not have responsibility for the thoughts, words, actions and choices of those around you. So getting frustrated at not being in control of all those things simply brings greater angst, worry and stress.
To let go of control therefore brings greater freedom and opens the door to greater influence. More on this next week.