Last week I was musing about what it means to be comfortable in your own skin. This is of course a huge subject area, and we are only just scratching the surface.
But one thing that has stayed with me since I wrote that post is the importance of paying attention to our self talk.
I work with a charity in Inverclyde called the Kidron Project, and in conjunction with them have also done some work with Home Start in the same area. What an absolute joy this is!
I get to run Life coaching workshops with groups of people as they seek to grow in confidence, self-awareness and self-belief and take steps towards moving their lives in the new directions.
For some of these fabulous individuals, life has been relentlessly hard and their souls are battered and bruised.
One of the BIG topics we cover is self talk. Because often what holds us back from achieving our potential, gaining confidence, and starting to belief in ourselves is – well, ourselves.
“Make sure your worst enemy doesn’t live between your own two ears.”
So said Laird Hamilton, surfer and innovator (what a fab combo by the way). This is such an important truth, and one that we cover regularly at these workshops.
When we talk ourselves down or are unkind to ourselves, or defeat ourselves before we have even started because we can only see ourselves as failures, it is hard to make any kind of forward progress. Plus negative self talk is linked to all kinds of physical and mental health problems.
But we can change this! We can instead choose to talk to ourselves kindly and more generously, believing the BEST of ourselves and not the worst.
I love the podcast by Emily P Freeman called “The Next Right Thing.” It is profound, encouraging, insightful, practical and also short. Plus she has the loveliest voice to listen to. I commend it to you as a wee oasis in your week.
She recently was talking about the importance of being your own friend and observed that this is how she would treat a friend who was feeling the way she was feeling:
I listen, acknowledge and affirm. I don’t let her paint herself in broad strokes. I remind her of her beauty, her strength, and the nuance of being a person. I make her laugh, I don’t belittle or make fun but I support and encourage and wait.”
WOW.
I imagine that you would talk to a good friend who was in a difficult or dark place in a similar way.
But do you talk to yourself like that?
Perhaps this is the week you can start.
First step – pay attention to your normal self talk. What kinds of things do you normally say to yourself? What is the tone you use? Notice how often that is negative, harsh, critical, dismissive.
Take a few moments instead to ask yourself what you know to be true here. What evidence do you have for what the negative voice is saying? What evidence do you have for the opposite of this?
Perhaps you are most commonly telling yourself that you are a failure. When can you see evidence of success in your life?
And importantly, what would a friend say to you?
What would you say to a friend?
Take this one step further, and practice talking to yourself as you would to a friend. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a bit of a break, and show yourself a bit of grace. We all get things wrong, but failing and being a failure are VERY different things.
Remind yourself that you are human and that this is not an all-or-nothing situation. Encourage yourself with reminders of what you CAN do, and support yourself as you make good choices. Maybe there are things that you can do differently in similar situations in future. But choosing to see what you CAN do differently is a much more positive response than beating yourself up – again – for what you have failed to do this time.
Speak kindly to yourself as you would to someone you love, as you would to a good friend. This is the route to healthy self talk.