It is that time of year again.
Households up and down the country are experiencing change. Not just with the weather, although I am noticing leaves on trees around us already starting to turn yellow.
But change in status within the family: very Teeny Ones starting nursery, and Little Ones starting Primary school. Big Ones feeling very grown up (and perhaps a little intimidated) as they start Secondary School.
And Even Bigger Ones leaving school and moving onto something completely new. Parents up and down the country are facing an empty nest.
As a parent…
This is a Really Big Deal.
A friend whose nest is about to empty observed that to her, this feels more monumental and emotionally exhausting than the life change that is having babies in the first place. There is a stark reality when a child leaves home that family life as it has been will never be the same again.
No matter how ready you and they may feel, this amount of change still brings a hefty dose of emotions. This is true no matter your starting point, your relationship with your child, and for both men and women.
I have spoken here for a number of years now about the enormity of change as it faces us grown ups and the children in our lives (our own or those we are connected to).
We face a jar of mixed emotions as we hold space for pride, excitement, grief, relief, joy, sadness, anticipation, anxiety.
And it is important that we give ourselves time and space to feel all the feelings that are swirling around in this maelstrom of change.
Our nest emptied two years ago.
Several friends recently have asked me how I am as autumn approaches and with it the season of new term and new starts. And on reflecting, I realise that I am moving through the ENORMOUS transition of empty nesting to the other side; I see that I am now loving living in this new season of not having the kids at home.
MB and I love spending time with them, and we love it when they come home.
But this is new – we also love it when they go away again. (They know this : ))
Our Nearest and Dearest have been launched out of the nest, and are now flying.
Has this been straightforward?
No, far from it.
There has been a veritable tsunami of emotions and a Full Time Job’s worth of emotional management support for them both over the past 5+ years.
But what I see now is that this season of change does exactly what it says on the tin:
…it changes.
This autumn feels very different from last autumn, when younger Nearest and Dearest was starting her second year at uni and moving into a flat.
This year has involved no flat moves (hallelujah) and no major change for them. And therefore, the impact on me – emotionally, mentally, practically – has been less.
In addition to this, MB and I are settling into our own rhythms of life without the kids, and the new things we began a few years back are now established patterns of Life Without The Kids.
How do we move through change?
Moving through any kind of change takes time, effort and proactive awareness of how we are and what we need. I am learning that there is no time limit for this, and progress is not linear.
But I am also learning that we do indeed keep moving through change, and that aspects of what felt overwhelmingly hard at the start are now much easier.
As with any kind of loss and grief, the passage of time does bring a different perspective.
More unknowns than knowns.
At the start of a season of change, the Unknowns far outweigh the Knowns and the weight of managing that can feel all-encompassing.
We fear that there is no safe way through and cannot imagine being on the other side.
If that is you, especially if you are experiencing an empty nest, remind yourself of what you know to be true of who you are, and root yourself in Today.
That is enough.
I can see now, at this point in the transition pathway, that I have learned and changed far more than I would have anticipated.
What are some of the perspectives I have now, that would have seemed impossible before? What have I learned from our empty nest? That is where we will go next time.
For now, today, whatever Firsts and Lasts you are experiencing, know that simply taking the next step right in front of you is enough.