Having kids leave home is simply one of any number of major life transitions we go through. What are some of the lessons from transitions that are applicable from our experience of being Empty Nesters?
One fun fact about the age we are when our nest empties in this modern era is that is may well accompany a couple of other monumental life changes.
Parents aging with all the associated challenges, and, for us mums out there, menopause.
Yippee.
A triple whammy.
This is less about managing the specifics, and more about the principles of how to get through this season well.
I write here often about transitions, as it is one of the major themes that clients come to me for help with. Have a look here and here, for starters. And if you need help navigating change, please get in touch and we can talk more.
Lessons from transitions.
Change of any kind can be hard. We often want to get through the messy and uncomfortable bit in the middle to get the to settled bit on the other side. But when we take courage and choose to make time to stop and relfect on how we are right in the middle of the messy, we can learn much to help the process.
I am learning that it helps to split how I am into three areas.
Practical.
Where am I now, compared to a week, month, year ago? How am I finding my time use now? What are my newly emerging priorities?
If you are a Newly Empty Nester, how do the house, mealtimes, weekends feel now compared to when they first left? What are my child’s needs, and how are they doing now?
This helps see progress. Perhaps now you can see opportunities opening up for how you spend some time freed up by not having the same parental responsibilities.
Emotional.
How am I feeling now compared to a week, a month, a year ago? What is the range of emotions I am now experiencing?
How many good days now compared to bad days?
Can I go into my child’s room without huge gut-wrenching emotion?
Mental.
What am I learning about myself? What do I see about myself – my own resilience, courage, proactivity, vulnerability?
To what extent am I taking time to acknowledge my role in raising a fully functioning adult human who is now released into the world?
These apply to all sorts of transitions, not just kids leaving home.
Taking stock like this enables us to see progress.
As with any season of change, there will a huge range of emotions.
We don’t need to fear these emotions; after all, emotions are simply data giving us information about something to which we need pay heed.
In the very early days after my younger Nearest and Dearest left home, my journal notes show how my emotions were dominated by feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety. It is not always easy for us to see our own progress because we live in our own heads and hearts.
But part way through term, it was really helpful to look back at how I had recorded I was feeling then, and see that several weeks in, there was a definite change.
When we can see progress in how we are feeling about and managing the new situation, whatever the transition, this is cause for hope.
It can also help to ask ourselves:
Where do I want to be? Six months or a year from now? What do I want to be feeling? Learning?
This can give a focus to how we use our time, and what we focus on. Choosing to focus on the opportunities we have whilst still giving ourselves space to feel all the feelings can bring a more positive slant to each day.
I can see now that two years on from our nest emptying, what I am feeling and doing has changed a lot. It helps to look back and see my own progress, especially on wobbly days.
What change are you going through just now? How can you observe your own progress, so as to give yourself grace and kindness in all the change and learning?