Specific acts of appreciation

I wrote the first draft of this post last week, in anticipation of having a very busy three weeks. 

All that has changed.

Like most of us, I have had work, community, social, school, and university information events cancelled. 

And I find myself with unexpected time in an environment where things are changing rapidly. However, this post remains more relevant than ever given the dire circumstances many of those we know might find themselves in.  

Last week I was talking about taking up the practice of doing random acts of kindness for Lent. Lent is traditionally a time when we give something up. But this year, I have been musing on using the season as a prompt to start something new (more here), that might then become habit forming. This can be as reflective a practice as you like,  given that the springboard is Lent – known within the Christian calendar as a time of fasting and preparation. 

This week is an extension of an idea raised through the random acts of kindness and is about appreciating other people. And rather than being a random act, what I think is most powerful about this week’s idea is to

show specific acts of appreciation. 

It is fairly easy to say of someone, ‘I love you’ or ‘you’re a great friend’ or ‘I enjoy working with you’ and leave it at that. How much more powerful to take a little longer to reflect on WHAT it is about that person that you love and value, and to affirm them specifically about that. 

So ‘I love you’ becomes ‘I love the way because you make me laugh and I feel safe with you. You make it OK for me to be vulnerable.’

‘You’re a great friend’ becomes ‘You’re a great friend because you are a great listener and you always make me feel validated and noticed.’

‘I enjoy working with you’ becomes ‘It is such a joy to work with you because you have different skills that complement mine and together we create something much better than I could do alone.’

Of course this takes a little longer, and perhaps requires us to be a little more vulnerable. But if Lent is a season that prompts some reflection, then what a fabulous opportunity to do a little MOT on our relationships.

And these days of huge change and curtailment of normal life are a stark reminder of what it is that we value most. 

Stop with me for a minute and think of all the different roles you have. For me, I would list wife, mother, life coach, friend, neighbour, school parent council member, daughter, sister, aunt, Godmother, church member.

Then for each category, list the main people you interact with. For some of the categories, those people are obvious: I have one husband and two children, two parents and one sister, two nephews and five Godchildren.

For categories like ‘friend’ and anything work related, consider who the most significant people are to you.

But don’t stop at easy people or people you like.

Think about those who you find more difficult, tend to avoid, or – gulp – perhaps even tend to sit in judgement over. Maybe those who tend to fall off our radar or we overlook.

As we consider how we are perceived in our roles, part of making this a Lenten reflective process is taking responsibility for how we come across. And if we are serious about showing appreciation to people, learning how to appreciate those we less naturally get on with is a great way to grow and develop our own character.

Having made your list of people, the next step is to look more closely at each relationship and ask yourself some deeper questions:

• How would this person perceive me in that role?
• What is it I value most about them and my relationship with them?
• To what extent do I take them for granted?
• What do I find difficult about them that is actually rooted in a lack of understanding on my part of our differences?
• What could I do differently and better to build this relationship?

As you think about each person, consider who they are, their character, and what your life would be like without them in it. Notice how you feel, and notice too how often you normally would appreciate that person. It is often the case that those closest to us we tend to show specific appreciation to the least. 

Then take all of that and turn it into specific acts of appreciation. 

That might be a card or a text in which you express what it is about them and your relationship that you appreciate. Some groceries or home-baking left on the door step of a neighbour. A word of encouragement that reminds them you are thinking of them.  A card and a wee bit of money to the student you love who lives away from home. Doing an overdue job that is stressing the person – especially if you find yourself at home for prolonged periods! A precious photo of you together made into a card and sent. An apology to a work colleague you have noised up the wrong way, and a thank you for putting up with you. There are some great ideas here for how to appreciate team members at work in ways that are specific to them. Perhaps now is not the right time for many of these, given how our working environments have temporarily changed, but still worth holding on to. 

So much potential creativity in how we can specifically appreciate the people that really matter in our lives. 

This links back to what I wrote on starting the year well by beginning at the end, and making small changes that move us towards where we want to be in our relationships and lives.

It is also about learning to stop and notice the people who are round about us.

Who knows what the next few weeks will hold.

So how much more important to value those around us. There are 24 days left of Lent. Make a list of 24 people who are significant to you and represent all the main roles you fill. 

Then pick one person a day and choose to show them specific acts of appreciation. In these extraordinary times of social distancing, this is more important than ever.