One aspect of lockdown that I heard discussed in various quarters was the distribution of jobs in the home. Both in the media and in conversation with (women) friends, there was an awareness that the disparity between male and female roles within the home continued during lockdown.
It still fell mainly to women to be responsible for the food preparation, schooling, thinking of the next thing, planning etc even if both she and her partner were both working from home.
This led to all sorts of grumbling and discontent, which can then leak out in our own behaviour towards our partner.
There are several issues at play here, primarily around expectations and assumptions. And unresolved, the who-does-what battle can easily lead to resentment and keeping score.
Keeping score: sound familiar at all?
Clear communication is a first tool.
The combination of unspoken assumptions of roles within the house and of who is to do what, coupled with our own unexpressed needs is a volatile one.
It may well be that there is massive frustration brewing that – once again – it falls to us (women, sorry to any male readers!) to produce food out of thin air at meal times. We may have had a morning full of zoom meetings, emails and overseeing the kids’s online lessons, and yet there seems to still be the expectation that we have thought about, shopped for and will produce lunch.
Ho hum.
And yet.
What have we communicated about what we need, about how our morning/day/week is shaping up, and what we feel is expected of us?
I say this with great caution and trepidation, as this is very emotive territory. In our house, there are a fair number of references weekly to the Magic Tidying Up Fairy or the Magic Food Fairy. But I am acutely aware that I fall prey very quickly to the trap of getting frustrated about what is expected of me when I have not openly discussed roles and expectations, nor have I expressed my own needs to not be doing everything for everyone all the time.
You sense how deep this issue goes, methinks.
Communication is key here. Communicating about who is doing what. What you need, and what the other person needs. Where there might need to be compromise, a bit of give and take. And giving grace to each other.
And this is a second important tool in not keeping score: generosity.
It can be all too easy within a relationship to feel that our partner owes us for what we do for them. We fall into the dangerous and murky trap of keeping score in our heads. We can list and rehearse what we have done, and all that we are juggling, and how often we have carried out all the repetitive household chores. And keep a mental score card of what they owe us.
Instead, we can choose generosity. We can choose to show love through practical tasks because we love them.
We can choose to see and appreciate what our partner does do and affirm them for that, rather than keeping score of all the things that we have done for them and they have failed to do for us.
Is this easy? No. This is part of the hard work of relationships. But is it worth it? Yes, not least because it reduces the mental effort of keeping score and living in that exhausting mindset of who-owes-what.
So this week, consider this perhaps:
- What assumptions and expectations are there in your relationship that then can lead to frustration, resentment and keeping score?
- What steps can you take to clearly communicate your own needs, as well as identifying roles and who does what?
- What is your partner doing that you really appreciate, and how can you express that this week?
- Choosing to do what you do with a generous heart – how does that change things for you this week?