How do you measure your self worth? What is it based on?
What do you think are the top things that commonly are linked to self worth? You might come up with:
- your appearance
- what you do
- what you achieve
Possibly also your financial independence or lack thereof, how well connected and popular you are. These are cited in a recent article on self worth that points to all these things as wrong determinants of our self worth.
I have talked a lot about exams here of late. If this has been of no relevance to you, and it becoming irritating, I do apologise. It’s just that for us, exams have been the dominant part of life these past few months. They are now completed, but one major aspect remains:
The results.
And therein lies the rub in terms of how we communicate value to our young people. Do we tell them – verbally or otherwise – that their worth is tied up in what they achieve? Or in who they are?
This is a tricky line to walk as the results of exams do generally matter quite a lot. Further education, a degree, passing a course, gaining a qualification that is needed – all are important outcomes that we are seeking to achieve when we start out down the exam path in the first place. But even so.
I have worked with many clients who have a deeply scripted negative belief system that their self worth is tied to what they achieve, and if they fail to achieve then they have no worth. Undoing this takes time, and is about building a strong sense of self – who I am, what I can do, what my unique skills and abilities are, what contribution I make by being me and what I bring to situations by being the best of myself.
And for our young people, as we talk about modelling to them the kinds of people that we want them to be, this is an important one to get right.
So how can we build their self worth?
Instead, we reward effort as much as success, we model resilience and perseverance and we help them learn how to move on from failure. Equally, this is about consistently affirming them for who they are – their kindness, or thoughtfulness, or sense of fun, or generosity. Whatever it is about them that makes them WHO they are.
I wrote here a number of moons ago about a lesson learned by Nearest-and-Dearest about technology. The issue in question was getting a mobile phone. And the conversation revolved round the central fact that we do not get things because of the way they make us look or feel. Our worth is not tied up in what we HAVE – status, possessions, image. You can read those early musings here.
At a more complex level, as adults we all struggle with this too. I had an interesting conversation with a coach friend who is a missionary. Her observations showed the dichotomy here. Every quarter she was required to write to her financial supporters outlining what she was doing – essentially, to prove that she was achieving something with their money. The focus necessarily had to be on external success. But she – like all of us – works best when fueled by an internal sense of self worth, not an external pressure to succeed. When she is being her best. So there is a gap.
Of course, both are necessary. Achievements and external success are important otherwise we would not get very far in our jobs, lives, careers. It is important to be able to measure and see that success too.
But if that is our only way of measuring our self worth, then our focus will be skewed.
We also need to be confident in who we are. When we know our values, and we choose to live accordingly, that brings self worth and self belief. Many external things that we might otherwise tie to our self worth are also outwith our control.
So we can choose instead to take responsibility for the one thing we can control –
– ourselves.
To know who we are and the positives that we bring to life that are unique to us. To take responsibility for aspects of ourselves that need developing and to choose to learn and grow rather than being defensive. Not comparing ourselves negatively with others, but seeking to understand and celebrate who we are. To show integrity in consistently doing what we say is important.
And to have people in our lives that affirm us for WHO we are and what they appreciate about us.
So this week, who can you affirm for some aspect of who they are that would build their self worth? And what are you celebrating about yourself that is important and unique and that enriches the lives of others?