How well do you accept a compliment?

That might seem like an odd question to start with this week. And what does this have to do with the recent musings on mental decluttering?

The idea of clearing out our minds so that there is space and mental clarity is a wonderful one. And it might be possible to have a major brain dump, and get all that is in there out and on to paper. But lo and behold, within a few weeks, nay even days, life conspires to fill your brain up all over again with more information, data, choices, to-dos, anxieties, negative self-belief….. You name it, it gets in there to re-create that viscous brain soup that you just worked so hard to clear. (Brain soup?!……more here). 

Humpf.

So we need some kind of filter. A mental policeman who identifies thoughts as they come into our minds and then channels those thoughts in the right direction for our mental well-being and clarity. A filter that not only notices the thoughts as they arrive, but takes rapid action to prevent negative ones taking root. Those of you reading this with an awareness of the Christian faith might recall the fabulous verse in 2 Corinthians that tells us to do just that, to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

That might sound very authoritarian and controlling…until you stop and consider that this is the same Christ who loves you beyond anything you can imagine and wants the very best for you. 

Taking thoughts captive and not allowing them to direct us down a negative and self destructive path takes time, effort and awareness. And the question I posed a couple of weeks ago can serve as just such a filter.

Stopping and asking ourselves, what direction are these thoughts taking me in, towards the best version of myself of away?

And so we come to how to accept a compliment.

What happens when someone says something nice to you? How comfortable are you with that? And do you tend to bat the compliment away, or dismiss it? Or diminish it’s value by adding disclaimers or disqualifying yourself?

What is the impact on the Complimenter of that approach?

Because this is to do with our self view and our self confidence. If someone says something nice to us, especially when it is about our character, our immediate thoughts can take us in one of two directions.

Accept the compliment with grace, and choose to see that there is good about us that other people like, affirm and appreciate.

Or dismiss the compliment because we struggle to see those positive attributes in ourselves.

These are the two extremes of the scale of course.

But this is to make a point. And this is a common problem, as this article highlights well.

How comfortable are we with who we are, what we can do, and the character traits that we demonstrate? Because when we choose to take our thoughts in a positive direction when someone compliments us, we can then choose to display more of that attribute.

For example, someone thanks you for something you did and expresses that you are a kind person. You accept that compliment with grace and a simple thank you, see the good in that, and resolve to continue to show kindness. Your confidence is built, and you grow in character. And you accept the gift of the compliment from the Complimenter, showing them value and recognition in the process. 

Or you bat off that compliment and say it was nothing, or deflect the compliment back, or self sabotage by pointing out your faults instead. In so doing, you are (subconsciously or otherwise) believing that the Complimenter is lying, misguided or feeling sorry for you. You are undermining them, as well as yourself by not seeing what they see.

These thoughts take you down a direction of lowering your self belief and self worth, and your inner critic has a field day. 

So this week, when someone pays you  a compliment, pay attention to what direction your immediate thoughts are taking you in. Are they taking you towards accepting that compliment with grace and growing in self confidence? Or towards a negative view of yourself that then can become self fulfilling?

Food for thought as always….