Last week, I posed the question asked by Matt Damon in the 2011 film ‘We bought a Zoo’:
What would you do with 20 seconds of insane courage?”
This week, let’s make that more specific. Imagine that 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery gave you…
Courage to say no.
What would you want to say no to?
What springs to mind immediately? I imagine that there are certain situations in your life that saying ‘no’ to would bring great relief and possibly resolution.
As British folk, we are not very good at giving clear and specific ‘no’s. We say things like
It’s no problem”…”See you again/later/another time to do this”
…when we mean anything but.
Or we talk ourselves round an incredibly circuitous route of unnecessary explanations to avoid potential conflict, or any risk of offending or upsetting the other person. Whereas in reality, both they and we would be far better served by a clear, kind, respect-filled but firm ‘no’.
Of course, sometimes it is important to let the other person down gently by not giving a direct no. And sometimes it is the right thing to do something we would ideally prefer to say no to.
But in this instance, what we are talking about here are boundaries and respecting our own values and needs.
You can read much more about boundaries here, and about values here – both are foundational elements I work with in coaching.
Imagine with me, you are asked to do something or a situation arises.
It may be that you don’t have the time to commit fully and well to the task being asked of you.
Or saying yes to the person means saying no to the needs of someone in your inner circle (family, close friends) or – dear help us – yourself.
What is clear to yourself on a moment of reflection is your desire to say no, and to do so without complications.
What you need are 20 seconds of courage to say no.
I remember clear as day a situation many moons ago at school where I learned the power of a simple ‘no’, delivered calmly and appropriately.
It was in a school music class with a very strict and quite scary teacher. She was going round the class asking if pupils played a wind, brass or string instrument, and if so, why they were not joining the orchestra that practiced after school on a Friday. As she worked her way round the room towards where I was sitting (I play the flute), there were multiple different reasons and excuses given by my fellow reluctant students who clearly did not want to join orchestra.
Tension and a sense of pending doom ran high.
She came to me. I said I played the flute. She asked why I was not in the orchestra. I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and these words came out:
Because I don’t want to.”
What I remember clearly are two things. The collective sharp intake of breath of all my fellow classmates as they anticipated all hell being unleashed on my poor, deluded head for standing up to her.
And her calm reaction:
OK, that’s fine.”
as she moved to the next person. Those after me in class who equally did not wish to forgo their Friday afternoons won a watch that day as they took hold of my bravery coat tails and said a similar ‘no’.
It’s a silly example, but I remember the power of a calm and respectful but clear-and-no-excuses ‘no’.
So perhaps this week, consider what having the courage to say no would do for you.
It might be putting some boundaries in place, and then taking additional courage to stick with those boundaries when other people try to trample all over them.
Or it might be saying no to something you know you really don’t want to do but have been putting off communicating with the relevant parties. More on that here.
Perhaps it is saying no to a perfectly good offer, but one that will make you too busy or too distracted from those that are nearest and dearest to you.
Or saying no to something that will eat into the time you had set aside for yourself and your own self care and soul restoration (more on the importance of soul care here).
As always with these things, there is (generally) no right or wrong.
When you are asked something, pay attention to your gut, your emotions, and take time to ask yourself questions like these:
- What is most important to me? Is this in line with my values?
- What do I need? What does the other person need? (and that might be to take responsibility for themselves…)
- Where am I perhaps taking responsibility unnecessarily or trying to step in and fix?
- What do I stand to gain by saying yes? And stand to lose?
- And if I say no, what is the worst that could happen? And the best?
It takes courage to say no ….20 seconds of insane courage.
But with practice, this can be done. You will thank yourself for it.
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