After 25 years of marriage, I am not sure that I am in any way qualified to even begin answering the question: How can I make my marriage last?
What do I know that would be of any use to anyone? There are so many who are far more qualified to answer this question having maintained much longer marriages than ours.
So I share these musings tentatively, as a humble offering from our own reflections of 25 often challenging years together, during which we have learned to negotiate our way round MB’s depression, and the implications of that for us both.
There are several key factors that we have learned along the way that have been central to our marriage continuing and maturing. Many of these have been learned the hard way. However, as I now see, these are foundational building blocks that we want to be more intentional about for the next 25 years.
I share them here and encourage you to stop and think about your own life. What resonates with you?
Making time for each other.
Of course, we all know this is important. A no-brainer really. But stop with me a moment and, if you have a Significant Other, ask yourself:
When did we last really connect? Talk at a level that allows us to really open up and hear the other’s heart?
Because as we well know, unless we intentionally plan in time for this, it rarely happens. For more than half our marriage, we had a fabulous monthly reciprocal babysitting arrangement with dear friends. This afforded both couples a night out a month. We planned this a year in advance, and in more than 12 years, I think only missed a handful. This was about telling each other that we mattered, and time together mattered. Now, all our children are too old, so this regular routine has stopped. And I find now that MB and I have to be much more proactive to ensure we make the time each week to talk. Walk and talk, sit and talk, drink wine and talk – but talk and listen and hear each other:
Reconnect on what matters to us most.
Plan and dream for the future.
Resolve misunderstandings.
Be more open about vulnerabilities, fears, uncertainties.
Cherish each other, and get beyond a marriage that can easily be functional, comfortable and a little complacent.
Cherishing and investing in our friends.
People we can be real and honest with, we can cry and laugh with. Friends we can ask not just what are you doing, but how are you doing. Friendships like this are precious beyond gold, and I recognise the importance of making them a priority.
Looking after our health.
– mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. MB is very aware of what he needs to do to maintain good mental health. This takes time, careful choices, and being proactive (there’s that word again!). We also are both learning to pay attention to what is going on in life that might trigger a downwards spiral. When things get too busy, and essential self care is squashed out, we need to stop and re-assess and make changes. Too often, this has been too late, and our decisions have been reactive and not proactive, to everyone’s detriment. We are learning to pay attention to our own needs, and what good soul care means for each of us. Time spent on growing in self awareness is time well spent – recognising that we can only change ourselves, we cannot change the other.
[for more on this, there is a series on Relationships here.]
Letting go of the past.
My wonderful coach friend Jill uses this fabulous phrase –
we choose to live no longer absorbed in or impeded by past hurts
Absorbed or impeded….how often can we say that of ourselves? That we are struggling to move on or be content because we remain trapped in what has happened to us in the past? This comes down to – wait for it – our power of choice.
Only we can change what is going on inside our heads.
Is this easy? Not at all, by any manner of means.
Is this a process that takes time, effort, and perseverance? Absolutely.
But the cost of remaining absorbed and impeded by what has gone before is high indeed, and keeps us trapped and chained to what hasn’t, what might have been, what we don’t have.
Being intentional about our relationship means letting go of that – on both sides – and choosing instead to see what we have, where we are, and how we want to intentionally shape our relationship for the next 25 years.
For you, this week, what would make the biggest difference to your relationship, and how can you intentionally build that in?