Catriona Futter – Equip For Life Coaching Becoming your best self and living life to the full – 07713 974138

Category Archives: Good Choices

Habit Number 2: Begin with the end in mind

Being with the end in mind

Being with the end in mind

The other week I was talking about stories, and that lovely opener, Once upon a time…..

It entices you in, opens the door to a parallel world of who-knows-what and whisks you away from the here and now into the not-quite-possible and the make-believe.

And contrary to Julie Andrews, starting at the beginning is not always “a very good place to start”. Sometimes, we need to start at the end – to begin with the end in mind.

Why are you doing what you are doing?

In my coaching work with individuals and teams, this is probably the most common and the most important question I ask.

Often we can become embroiled in what we are doing – the day-to-day, the nitty-gritty, the treadmill of get-this-done-so-I-can-get-onto-the-next-thing. Beginning with the end in mind gives us the chance to stop – get off the treadmill, open the cage door and look up at the sky.

To ask ourselves, WHY am I doing what I am doing? What are the underlying values, priorities and vision to what I am doing?

With teams, this is the central piece. Taking some time together to clarify the purpose, role and vision of the team is the key. It not only expands the mind, but revitalises enthusiasm and passion, restores hope and optimism and opens up the way new possibilities.

If we were to be really successful, how would …… be different?”

The blank is filled in with what is most relevant for the team in question – our company, our community, our country. There is no limit to how big this question can get, and at first, people are usually somewhat floored by it. But creative cogs start to whirl, ideas emerge, inspiration bounces around as each person fires off the other. And lo and behold, a stunning vision is created of what success would look like – the end from which we begin to then work backwards to ask, based on that vision, what therefore are the top priorities and how are we going to achieve them.

How to begin with the end in mind on an individual basis?

Imagine your own funeral.

Not when you are a ripe old age, but in a few years. Now imagine that a friend, a colleague, a family member, and someone from where you serve/volunteer/worship all stand up and talk about you.

What would you want them to say?

Perhaps more significantly, what would you not want them to say?

Spend a little time clearly creating a picture in your own mind of the person you would like to be described as by those you live, socialise, work and serve with and you will create a vision for the kind of life you want to live. This is what it means to begin with the end in mind, according to Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Imagine that you want to be known as someone who is calm, outward looking, and has integrity – always follows through on promises. That is the outline of your ‘end’, your starting point. Work backwards from that, and how does that affect your behaviour today?  What does it mean today, in the relationships you have to be someone who is known for being calm?

This follows on from Habit Number 1Be proactive. And it fits perfectly with coaching. Coaching is about moving from where you are to where you want to be.

Habit Number 2 is about taking the time to work out where and who you want to be. We have power to choose our own behaviour, and to live according to our value system, and not in reaction to other people’s agendas or expectations of or for us.

It helps to regularly remind ourselves of our vision and value system – those foundational principles by which we live. The ability to live with change is only possible if we have a changeless sense of who we are at our core, and are rooted in what we are about and what we value.

When we find ourselves back on that never-ceasing treadmill of WHAT needs to be done, perhaps take a little time and look up and think, WHY am I doing this? How does this fit with what is most important to me, and the vision I have for the person I want to be?

The simplest way I have come across to apply this is in the words of a Jesuit priest –

Who am I becoming in this decision?”

Am I becoming more or less like that person I want to be described as at my funeral?

Begin with the end in mind – what is your end?

Habit Number 1: Be proactive

Be proactive

Be proactive

As we start a series looking at the seven habits towards effectiveness, the first and foundational habit is to be proactive. This is primarily about taking responsibility for your life. 

This has been a central tenet of mine for decades, from my previous work as a physiotherapist. You come to me with a terrible hand injury. I cannot magically make your hand better. I can only give you as much information, encouragement and support required to empower you to choose to do your own exercises – to take responsibility for your own rehabilitation.

There is a wonderful old prayer, written by Reinhold Neibuhr from a century ago that goes like this:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

At the root of this wisdom is self-awareness – that central and crucial ability humans have to see and understand their behaviour.

We cannot begin to change the way we respond until we understand it.

It is that very ability to be aware of ourselves and our responses that is the springboard to our first habit – being proactive. To quote Stephen Covey:

Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.

That is a hugely powerful statement – read it again and let it sink in.

We so often hear ourselves say, “he made me so angry” or “she leaves me feeling so discouraged”.

BUT – No one else can make us feel a certain way.

Your actions towards me are the stimulus. But I and I alone choose how I respond. You cannot make me angry – I choose to become angry in response to your actions.

But – and here is the power of being proactive – I have the power to choose a different response. This is not about being pushy or dominant. It is about being response-able: taking the initiative to choose our own response. This can be very hard, especially in the face of a difficult relationship. But choosing our own response – choosing to love even when we don’t feel loving for example – is the root to greater freedom and positive influence.

When we live reactively, we are driven by our feelings, and often behave or talk in a way that abdicates responsibility to others:

“She made me angry, I can’t do that, I don’t have time”

something outside of us is controlling us.

This can trap us into feeling powerless over our own lives.

But being proactive is about control and influence – recognising what we can actually do something about.

Living proactively fits so well with coaching because it is about living and making choices according to our values – and not according to the actions or expectations of others.

Proactive people spend most of their time and energy on things over which they have some influence and can do something about. There are many things that we are concerned about and impact us. But a lot of them are things over which we have no real control – spend time and energy on these things will lead to frustration and lack of progress.

Focus on the weaknesses of others, the problems in the system or the environment, and circumstances over which you have no real control, and there is likely to be blame, frustration, negativity, lack of progress.

Take the initiative to work on things instead that you can do something about and your influence will grow. Recognise when you make a mistake, apologise, seek to make amends, and learn from the situation.

How might this work out in practice this week?

  • pay attention to your language – notice when you hear yourself say ” I can’t….I have to….if only….he/she makes me….there’s no other way”. Practice instead choices like “I can….I will….I get to….I choose to….what alternatives are there?”
  • recognise that if you want to improve your situation, work on the one thing over which you have control – you. Where do you feel stuck? What can you change in that situation – usually, that will start with yourself and your own behaviour. What does it mean to take initiative and behave differently – to be more active, to make healthy choices, to be more supportive, to listen more than speak, to let go of hurts from the past and be more kind…..what would it be for you?
  • where can you take the initiative with others this week? In your workplace or family, rather than getting sucked into blame or negativity, where can you seek to be supportive, positive, and look at what you can do rather than what you can’t?

Being proactive – having the courage and making the choice to change the things we can: ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

What are the triggers for a perfect storm?

perfect stormThey call it a perfect storm. (Whoever ‘they’ are.) A series of events all coming together at the same time to produce catastrophic results. At the time, it can be hard to see the connections. It is often only in the aftermath that one can look back and see all the different jigsaw pieces and triggers that all worked together to cause such devastating fall-out. This is the fodder of disaster movies.

But imagine instead the perfect storm to be an emotional melt down, and you are the meltee.

The question is, would it have been possible to avoid the storm? Identify the triggers, remove some of them or remove yourself from their path, and hey presto. Storm prevented.

Or, in other words, wouldn’t it be great to have hindsight in advance?

To proactively prevent the perfect storm by diminishing the destructive potential of the causative elements.

In my work as a physiotherapist (physical therapist for you across-the-pond dwellers), I would sometimes treat patients who sustained a sudden injury that seemed to come out of the blue for them. But unpick their stories a little, dig backwards into the preceding sequence of events, and often there were clear indicators. Triggers to set off a chain of events that led to injury and incapacitation (might have made that word up).

Postural problems + chronic weariness + over busyness + muscle imbalance + a sudden demand on the body is likely to lead to some kind of system failure. In the physical dimension, this is likely to be pain and incapacity.

Imagine if we were better tuned in to the triggers, and thus were more able to prevent the physical problems and pain. If we stepped back and saw the implications of continuing with each element unresolved, and decided to take action instead. Change our posture. Take some time off. Exercise to strengthen, stretch and restore balance.

The physical realm has much to tell us about the realm of our emotional and mental well being.

Imagine that the perfect storm, rather than a physical breakdown, is an emotional outburst instead.

Events combine and contrive to cause us to combust, and we disintegrate and unravel. I talked about this a little in the series on burnout recently – the importance of letting our souls catch up with our too-fast-moving-bodies.

Triggers are important here, and in this case, the triggers are often our emotions. I am a stuffer – talked about this here before too. Just deal with it, get on with the next thing, pay no heed to the rising tide of anxiety/fear/stress/irritation/numbness that is threatening to swamp me.

Triggers are like red flags along the pathway, yelling at us to stop,

pay attention, take action now to avert disaster.

The key thing – as always – is awareness.

What am I feeling?

What do those feelings indicate?

And therefore – what do I need?

What will happen if I ignore this and continue down this path?

And – ultimately and of course – what is most important here? What therefore do I need to do?

When we tread the same path often enough, we recognise the signs. When we know ourselves well enough to know the kind of emotional storm we are likely to end up in, we can then start to identify the triggers. And then – the key stage – we can choose to do something about them.

The benefit of hindsight in advance – spotting the triggers to the perfect storm, paying attention to them and changing course.

What do we rely on in times of change?

Times of change

Change is in the aaaaaaair….everywhere I look around….

A misquote I know, but it seems fitting.

Change seems to be the lowest common denominator for many just now. In my own small world, there are many facing huge change. Starting school for the first time (I remember well the first day tears and the stomach-clenching-knots of anxiety, and that was just me). Leaving school and heading off into the adventure that is university. Graduating and moving onto work or internships. Illness – there is a lot of that about, sadly. Moving house. Getting married – love is in the air too, which is lovely.

Times of change are often associated with changing routines.

Last week I was musing about how we can get stuck in certain ways of thinking, and that climbing out of the box altogether and walking away can be inspiring, stretching and freeing.

So it is in our house. My weekly routine is changing as youngest Nearest-and-Dearest starts secondary school. And thus, my 10 year association with our local primary school comes to an end, and the routines that have book-ended my day all these years stop.

That opens up more possibilities for my time and my work. But more than that, it opens up mental space for change and the new. Sometimes this can be scary – many and varied emotions run turbulently below the surface of change, threatening to derail us and swamp us with their force and intensity.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing what has gone before. Anxiety about being able to cope with whatever is ahead. Sadness or regret at loss of what was.

There are also upbeat emotions that can lift us out of the mire and propel us forward – excitement, anticipation, fun, enjoyment, relief, satisfaction, achievement.

The tricky aspect to this is that emotions – our feelings – are flaky and unreliable indicators of what is going on. How we feel can change with the wind, and this can have a huge impact on how we perceive what is going on at the time. I know this to be true all too well and all too often. As MB will observe wryly, I don’t do ‘even keel’ – extremes of emotion are my normal way of operating, which I know can be exhausting to live with.

But in the times of change, when there is such a huge range of emotion that threatens to completely destabilise us just as we need to be strong and courageous, what to do?

We can choose to rely on what we know to be true. External facts that we can see. People we know we can trust. The knowledge that we can choose our own response. We, and only we, have responsibility for ourselves and therefore we can be proactive rather than sliding into passive victim mentality. We can make good choices based on our value system and priorities.

For me, the foundations of what I know to be true are my faith. In times of change when emotions can be overwhelming, I can ask  –

what do I know to be true?

Irrespective of how I feel, and even what is going on, what do I know to be true?

What am I thankful for – always a good question for building a more stable foundation in the face of change.

What times of change are you looking at? And in the face of how you feel, what do you know to be true?

 

Words of wisdom for summer from Dr Seuss

Dr Seuss remains a deep well of inspiration to mine for wisdom and challenge. Try some of these on for size –

If you never did you should. These things are fun, and fun is good.”

If I asked you the question, what do you do for fun, how would you respond? I have observed a curious response to this question from a number of people – that I am asking them a question in a language they simply do not understand. I might as well ask the question in Swahili for all that it can be computed and processed.

Just having funFun? But my life is so busy, so full of duty, responsibility, doing the right thing, there is no room for fun. Duty, responsibility, service – all are very important. However, the absence of life-affirming, joy-restoring, just-for-the-sake-of-it fun can cause us to slowly frizzle up. Slipping and sliding down the path of weariness, stress, mental fatigue towards burnout. To lose touch with the inner child, with part of who we are at our core, with what it is just to engage in a bit of nonsense. Or to do something simply for us – to prioritise ourselves for a brief spell.

Fun is an important aspect of our lives. It is good for mental renewal, for spiritual and emotional recharging, for expanding our creative free thinking and inspiration. And to keep us, and our outlook on life young.

If you had a clear diary, and nothing hindering you, what would you do for fun?

How could you incorporate just a little bit of that into the every-day? But it’s complicated I hear you say….again, to quote Dr Seuss –

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

How often is the answer simply a matter of prioritising our time differently? Busy people often say, well it’s not that simple – but actually, what that belies are many excuses for why making a simple decision is difficult.

We might have to face some inner demons, we might have to let some people down, which is never easy. We might have to acknowledge what needs are being met in being super busy – our need to be useful, needed, responsible – and without that, who does that make us?

How often do we choose to not face up to the simple answer because it demands too much of us?

This is linked to the idea of having fun. Fun is important, and takes a little time and shifting of priorities. This can be as simple as we choose to make it. I would be sorely grieved indeed to get to my funeral, and have people say of me, as perhaps Dr Seuss might –

she was responsible, organised, could get all things done,

but she didn’t seem ever to have time just to for fun.

Choosing to care – or learning to pay attention to your feelings.

Hard stuff happens.

Life is full of it – just tune in to the news of recent weeks. We are oftPaying attention to your feelings.en surrounded by horror, tragedy, suffering, grief, loss on a grand scale. And it can be overwhelming and difficult to absorb. But each of us on an individual level in our normal, run-of-the-mill every day life also experiences a whole gamut of feelings in response to smaller day-to-day hurts.

Rejection. Loss. Failure. Sadness. Anger. Disappointment.

Sometimes, the temptation is to avoid difficult emotions like that because they are too painful.

Folk develop different strategies for this. It is possible to develop a hardened exterior, a tough outer crust that seems impenetrable, as a means of avoiding the pain. To choose to not care, to not get too close. Keep your guard up, keep your distance, keep your heart safe.

Or you can become a stuffer. A coper. This has been my default defense mechanism for many years.

I am a getter-on-with-it. Hard stuff happens, but hey I am strong and capable and self sufficient so acknowledging those hurts, fears, anxieties is not what I do, so deal with it and move on – on with the next thing. Dear goodness, why would I pay attention to those inner feelings, let alone allow them to surface so that I could deal with them? Far too painful and means I would have to be vulnerable.

Strike a chord, anyone?

But over time, this has a tremendous cost – those feelings don’t go away, they are simply repressed waiting and biding their time until they erupt at the most inopportune moment.

I am straying into the realm of counselling here.

But I am learning that taking time to pay attention to what I am feeling is important. Because those feelings are are indicators of what is going on inside me, and often point to what I care about. Taking time to pay attention to them allows me to learn more about myself, and what is at the root of my reactions.

And that I most definitely do care. Because paying attention to our feelings, and what they are telling us, enables us to understand ourselves better.

When we learn to ask ourselves:

What am I feeling? What do those feelings point to? How am I wanting to respond to them? What do I need?

….we can also learn to take responsibility for our response to those feelings, and show that we do care. We can seek to see things from the point of view of another, to get inside their shoes. We can reach out to them with more empathy, and make deeper connections in our relationships. Feelings can point to when we need to forgive, and when we need to say sorry. They can be indicators of when we need to stop and recharge. Or when we need to get off the busyness-treadmill and offer some TLC to someone in need.

And when we harden ourselves to feelings, or stuff them inside, we tend to do that with ALL feelings. And thus we can miss out on the joy of connection, happiness, celebration, exuberance, achievement.

Seems like no way to go through life.

Learning instead to pay attention to our feelings allows us to show that we do, most definitely, care.

 

What happens when our plans are derailed? Introducing the bullet journal…

Take time –

  • to reflect
  • to work out and clarify your values
  • to dream big dreams and cast vision
  • to plan and strategise how to get there
  • to write out action steps
  • reflect on what is working and what is not, and start the process again.

This is a useful and straightforward framework that enables us to –

  • live according to our values
  • make decisions with more clarity and consistency
  • stick with our boundaries
  • get back on track when we are derailed by obstacles or unexpected hiccups
  • have time for what is really important rather than reacting to what seems urgent but sucks us dry.

Why am I writing in bullet points?

  • because this kind of living can become over complicated and onerous if it involves so much writing and reflecting that nothing actually gets done
  • because of the rise and rise of methods to facilitate this kind of living in a manageable way
  • and because bullet journalling has arrived in our house!

What is a bullet journal?OK, I’ll stop now. It was getting annoying and hard to do whilst still making any kind of sense.

I first came across the phrase ‘bullet journal‘ in a glossy magazine whilst I was at the hairdressers (which is the only place I read glossy magazines). No clue what it meant, sounded very trendy and a bit scary all at once. Perhaps if you didn’t write in your journal for a day, you were shot? I jest.

And then in a short space of time I heard the phrase again, from a friend converted to this new craze. So of course, I did what is required in these situations – I looked on Youtube for inspiration. And boy, is there a plethora of views and options on the subject on that marvelous medium!

My understanding is that bullet journalling simplifies the process of reflection, planning and scheduling. Rather than a normal diary or weekly planner, the bullet journal is infinitely customisable (perhaps a word I just made up?). You can personalise it for your needs, add the bits that help you and ditch the elements that do not. Perhaps put a gratitude list in there – always good – and a page of thoughts and inspirations for the future. The world is your oyster. Or your bullet journal. The title still leaves me cold, but I guess that is not the point.

The point in our house is that it makes keeping a diary, and the associated planning and – ahem – discipline of this, cool and groovy for blokes. MB has been enjoying his bullet journal for months, and has found a method that works for him.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because the most important thing about planning is what happens when our plans are derailed. The rise in popularity of the bullet journal testifies to the import many put on planning, recording and reflecting on our lives in a manageable way.

Of course, we cannot plan our lives to the letter. Our plans inevitably can get derailed, and what was most important that day gets bumped off the schedule. It is what we choose to do next that is key.

Rather than that important thing being missed off altogether, we can stop the panic or gerbil-wheel of urgent tasks, and take a breath. And re-schedule the important thing that got missed off the day before.

This sounds so ridiculously simple and obvious. But ask yourself, how often do important things get bumped off your day repeatedly, day after day under the never ending tsunami of urgent tasks, until they disappear into the chasm of “I’ll do it one day when I’m less busy”? Important things are often life giving or enhancing, and are rooted in our values. This is worth paying attention to, or we risk getting onto the slippery slope of burnout.

The bullet journal is simply a tool. Disruptions occur daily, that is life. But if something is really important to you, make time to do it. A quieter day without disruptions is not coming.

 

 

Choosing to take an imperfect first step towards your dreams.

You’ve got big dreams.

You are going to declutter the house. Clear out the garage.

Set up your own business.

Write a book.

Have a long awaited family gathering.

Simplify your lifestyle and move somewhere quiet.

Order all your photographs and print them out to enjoy them rather than them taking up space on the computer.

What are your dreams?

What are your dreams?

And how long has that dream been in the planning stage?

Sometimes we plan, and wait, and plan some more. We have a dream of how we want things to be. But sometimes we can be so crippled by our fears that it is easier to remain at the planning stage. Fear of –

  • things not working out as we had planned (or hoped)
  • starting something that grows into a monster
  • not seeing it through to the end and feeling a failure (again)
  • other’s expectations of us
  • all things unexpected – costs, time, energy investment
  • not being taken seriously
  • looking foolish when it all goes pear-shaped
  • complete failure, of our dream not working out at all.

Fear of failure can so consume us that we become obsessed with creating the perfect plan, and paralysed into not actually taking any steps towards achieving that plan.

Some of those dreams I opened with have less riding on them than others. If I don’t get the garage cleared out or the photos sorted, the world is not going to come to an end, and no one else really suffers terribly. Starting a business, writing a book, moving to a completely different lifestyle, going back to full time study – these are much bigger dreams with greater investment and more to lose.

But all dreams are important, and common denominator is self belief.

Do I believe in myself enough – my own skills and abilities, my passion to see this dream become a reality, and my motivation and discipline – to see it through?

When we reach small, easily achievable dreams, our confidence grows, we learn more about ourselves and how we work. And it becomes that little bit easier to reach for something slightly further up the mountain.

When I was finishing my life coach training, I still had my job as a physiotherapist. The thought of leaving that job, setting up as a coach and starting my own business was terrifying. There was so much at stake, and all the fears mentioned above took up residence in my mind like so many gruesome monsters.

What helped hugely were some words of great wisdom from the coach who trained me:

take imperfect action.

The danger is that you become so bogged down in trying to get it all perfect that you don’t get started.

She used the marvelous phrase – analysis paralysis.

This is the idea that you spend so long analysing your plan…

…tweaking and changing it….re-doing your spreadsheet of action steps….colour coding your goals list….revisiting all your theory and learning….asking anyone and everyone for advice…

….that you don’t actually get started on the plan at all.

The longer you take to get started, the more likely you are to suffer from analysis paralysis. What will happen if you do nothing? Nothing. Becomes entirely self-fulfilling.

So simply as a way of getting started, do something. Take an imperfect first step.

How much do you want those dreams? Choose to take an imperfect first step, and the next step will follow.

[and if this has prompted you to reconnect with a dream, and you would like support, structure and accountability in taking those steps, get in touch and we can do this together. It’s what I do!]

 

 

Going back to school (after all these years…)

What would you say to yourself of 30 years ago?

Life skills at school

Life skills at school

This was the intriguing situation I found myself in last week. Along with three other ‘grown ups’, I was asked to share what I considered to be essential life skills with approximately 100 16/17 year olds. These were the new S6 pupils at elder daughter’s secondary school, and the event was part of an induction week in preparation for their final year at school.

Our brief was to talk about our own careers, and share the life skills we believed were most important for these youngsters to learn as they embarked on life beyond the confines of school. At face value, this was quite a straightforward request. We could all have talked off the cuff about how we ended up doing what we do and being where we are. But as we discussed our respective inputs before the event, we agreed that there was rather more to this than first met the eye.

What would you say to a 16 year old that would be relevant, of interest, and would catch their attention?

What would you say that would stay with them beyond the event? That would go deep enough to penetrate the layers of post modern, consumerist, instant social media culture in which they live?

As it happens, and with no prior consultation, each of us said a version of the same thing

the importance of hard work, of developing good character and communication skills, of growing in self awareness and self confidence.

Learning resilience. Believing in who you are on the inside, and not in the false persona of you that has to have the latest and the newest whatever-it-is because that is what society tells you.

Learning not to be motivated by instant gratification but exercising self control and self discipline – be it in the areas of money, studying, health. So un-cool and un-glamorous, but heartfelt and impassioned pleas from all of us.

I left school nearly 30 years ago. What would I have taken on board and actually absorbed at that age that would have positively influenced the life I have led since?

My words to them were that they had far more power than they realised – power to be self aware, power to listen with a view to understanding, power to delay gratification, and power to choose.

This last for me is key, and ties in with my musings here over recent weeks:

No one else can take responsibility for my life except me.

The only aspect of life that I can consistently work on over which I have control is – me.

I can choose how I behave, how I speak, how I respond to challenges and difficulties, how I prioritise my time.

Would I have heard that and taken that on board at age 16? Would you?

How prepared am I to take that on board now?

This week I had a joyous catching-up with a precious friend from college. We laughed a lot about what we were like then, and talked about what life is like now and how our perspectives have changed. Much has happened in the intervening 26 years, and for us both, the foundational principle we have learned is that life is transient and very precious.

And it struck me that I, more than ever, need to heed my closing words on life skills to the S6 young folk –

take some time to consider not only what you want to do in life, but who you want to be.

The power of letting go – choosing to forgive.

Thinking back over thLetting gois past week, how many people have you hurt, intentionally or not?

Wham – that got your attention.

Let’s get stuck right in this week, no beating about the bush.

To how many of those people have you apologised?

Another thought – how many people have hurt you – through what they have or have not said or done?

In lasts week’s blog, I talked about the importance of choosing to say sorry. To swallow pride, and let go of fear and instead choose humble courage  in making that first move towards restoration of a hurt relationship. Saying sorry and asking for forgiveness is hard. But this the route back to reconciliation and healing, no matter how trivial or monumental the original wrong.

But when we are on the receiving end of hurt, that creates a whole different situation.

Someone causes us real pain through an unkind word, a betrayal, a lack of understanding, a thoughtless act. If that person comes to us to apologise and seek forgiveness, we have it in us to release them and – crucially – release ourselves from the impasse created.

The problem lies when there is no apology forthcoming, especially if it appears that the other person is gloriously oblivious to the hurt they have caused us and seem to be going about their life quite free whilst we are trapped in seething hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness, rage.

Not a pretty picture is it.

Think back again over the past week, and the people who have hurt you in some way. Now imagine the cumulative impact of each hurt building on the last. Hurt on hurt, crushing and constricting your very soul, leaving no space for hope or freedom or happiness.

As someone (there is debate about who) once famously said,

Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

I have spoken about this before, and will no doubt do so again.

Because I, like you, am a very flawed human with a short memory for the important lessons in life. It is easy to nurse our hurts because it allows us to feel justified in thinking or speaking ill of the one who hurt us. We want them to have their just desserts and for everyone else to know how much we have been wronged.

But we have power to choose – to choose to let go and thus choose release, peace and freedom. It may not bring about restoration of the relationship because we can only be responsible for ourselves and our own reactions.

There is so much more that could be said about this – as a coach, my role is in part to help people take stock of where they are and move forward to where they want to be, and that sometimes involves identifying hurts and letting go of both them and the person responsible. This is a complex and difficult process, and not one to be taken lightly.

I feel the weight of this as I write, as I think back on the week that has past.

Because what strikes me most forcibly about the central importance of letting go of hurts and forgiving the responsible party is this –

Life is too short and people are too precious.

In another week of horrific world wide events that have suddenly and shockingly cut short the lives of many, it seems such a staggering waste of time and energy to hold a grudge. And such a tragedy when people are suddenly lost to us without reconciliation.

Don’t wait to forgive someone and let go of that hurt. Life is short and unpredictable, and both you and they are too important and too precious.

[wpsos_year]